Russian Golf Federation irate at being left out of really excellent state sponsored doping program.

With a decision pending on whether lone qualified Russian player Sergei Whocuthacokov will be allowed to participate in the Rio Olympic Golf event, the Russian Golf Federation spoke out at a press conference today, demanding answers as to why for years Russia conducted a really great state sponsored doping program for all their top sportsmen but didn't include golf.

"Why are always the poor relation in golf?" asked Russian Golf President Ivor Nakanikenemov. "Every f*cking Russian in the stadium has big yellow eyes bulging out of his head and every woman has hairier pits than a gorilla in a pub drinking a pint of testosterone and what do we get? A sleeve of Pinnacles and a "go out and do your best".  How are supposed to compete on a level playing field without the drugs? It's just not fair."

Nakanikenemov believes the Russian governments failure to include golf in an intricate web of doping and intimidation may have something to do with the time, 30 years ago, when he sank a tram-liner on the last to take five rubles off best friend Vladimir Putin in a nine hole skins match.  The pair have never spoken since.

"Look, I'm supposed to say 'we have some great young talent here' but the truth is we just stink at golf," Nakanikenemov said. I'll probably have some crazy radioactive isotope slipped into my vodka tonight and die a horrific painful death in about two weeks, but sure what the hell.  The young lads we have are very enthusiastic but they cant hit the ball out of their way for Russian Orthodox God's sakes. Those guys are just crying out for a bit of doping to see how far they could get.  Sure even if it made them play a bit quicker, wouldn't that be a great bonus."

More as it emerges.


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