Forget the lighthearted stuff about Tiger getting a European Tour card to cash in at future big events in Turkey (may get washed away) and A...
Forget the lighthearted stuff about Tiger getting a European Tour card to cash in at future big events in Turkey (may get washed away) and Asia (bubble might burst). Let’s look at the real serious issues facing the European Tour and their impact if Woods was to join.
Cursing
Tiger shouting “Godammit” and expecting to get away with it would just not wash with the European Tour. All our players are expected to be able to curse in German, Swedish, French and Italian. Plus all curses must be delivered in full sentences and mean something.
For example Tiger would need to take intensive lessons in Spanish insults and know that cursing someone’s Mother is by far the best way to go.
For instance on the first tee at the Open de Espana, after hooking his drive left Woods will be expected to say something like:
Tu madre es muy gorda y fea - Your mother is very fat and ugly. This could work for Tiger until he finds his feet and start generating his own.
Also shouting “Jesus Christ Tiger” after tee shots at Asian or Eastern events (that we have here in Europe) may result in assassination or stoning, in countries where weapons are not available.
Venue Improvements
Some of the most iconic European Tour venues would need to be made more Tiger friendly. I’m thinking those massive yellow Volvo diggers and dumper trucks here.
First they need to head to Crans Sur Sierre in Switzerland, that mountain needs to go. We don’t want Tiger hitting a drive, cursing brilliantly in French then having to abseil down the Alps on one dodgy leg, to play a lob wedge back up do we?
Then they need to head to Valderrama. Those umbrella pines to Tiger’s balls are the equivalent of busty waitresses to Tiger’s balls; magnets. Get rid of them all.
Prizemoney
Obviously if Tiger Woods is coming to play on the European Tour, a thorough review of prizemoney must be carried out immediately. We have to get some of that stuff.
Spitting
Tiger must made aware of the strict rules of etiquette on the European Tour and agree to stick by them. Spitting, for instance, is completely forbidden because Ewan Murray and Bruce Critchley said so.
However throwing your 7 iron into a lake, booking flights on your mobile on the tee if you think you might miss the cut, and marking your ball in one place in bad light in the evening and having a mate move the marker so you have an easier shot in the morning are allowed.
But again, and most importantly spitting is not.
The Physio Truck
Obviously the European Tour Physio Truck would have to be expanded to accommodate Tiger because he likes to go there sometimes mid round to pretend something is wrong. Additional storage space will be required for prosthetic limbs, crutches, odd shoes and blow up women. Black and white. Spare shoes that is.
Interviews
Obviously with such a high profile player coming over to the European Tour, media and interview arrangements will need to be upgraded. All the journalists this side of the Atlantic will need to travel to the Jimmy Roberts School in America to do a six month course in how to structure inanely boring post round questions in such a way that Tiger’s answer can always be “You got it” or “I had fun out there today”.
And of course the European Tour will need to invest in a pedestal in the interview room. For the journalists to stand on when talking to Tiger.
Nike
Nike will have to review Tiger’s complete clothing line. Obviously there will be zero opportunity to parade his bulging biceps through stretchy shirts over here. Unless he wants to contract pneumonia or something. Instead of his final day red polo shirts, on the European Tour we must get accustomed to respecting Tiger’s fearsomely intimidating final day red rain jacket and matching pants.
Security Arrangements
Obviously security at European Tour events will have to be reviewed if Tiger is going to be regular visitor. One overweight G4S security guard with a black padded jacket and a yellow high-viz vest that’s so small he cant get the velcro closed and who is armed to the teeth with an earpiece and curly wire, will have to be reviewed.
We may need two guards, with double ear-pieces and walkie talkies, the kind with the clip that you don’t have to hold in your hand and and that have big plastic aeriels and “squelch” knobs.
Vetting Venues
All future venues will have to be vetted thoroughly if Tiger is playing. For example the complete kip that is the Parador Club in Torremolinos could never again host the Andalucia Open given that it runs alongside a naturist beach. We just couldn’t take that chance with Tiger given his history.
Can you just imagine what would happen if Woods crossed glances with a young beautiful voluptuous nudist blonde on the other side, his 6-iron in hand?
I can.
Her 26 stone father with the hairy back of an ape and enormous swinging appendage would leave down the volleyball and be over that fence so fast to give Woods a hammering, it wouldn’t bear thinking about.
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