Earlier in the week, thanks to Chris McVitty and Puma Golf, we opened up our social media profiles to ask you for your funniest golf joke, ...
Earlier in the week, thanks to Chris McVitty and Puma Golf, we opened up our social media profiles to ask you for your funniest golf joke, picture or video.
Thanks to everyone who sent in entries, we had just so many, we had to distil it down to the very best.
So drum roll please, here is our pick of the bunch!
Liam O’Connell: Golf Course or Intercourse?
4 men a bank manager, a doctor, a surgeon and a farmer who played golf every Sunday arranged a fourball for Christmas Day...standing on the first tee, the men were discussing how they got away from their wives on Christmas morning...the bank manager went first and told them that he bought his wife a new HD plasma screen TV and that she is at home watching all the soaps before dinner...the doctor told them that he had bought his wife a new car and that she was gone to show her mother in law...the surgeon said that he had bought his wife a holiday so she is at home looking at holiday catalogues...the farmer then piped up saying well I woke up this morning, turned to my wife, gave her a slap on the arse and said "GOLFCOURSE or INTERCOURSE" to which she replied "don't forget your hat love"
Bryan Lynch: The Greenkeepers Shed
A husband and wife are playing the Presidents Prize in their local club. The husband is going well until the 13th hole when he pulls his drive left behind the greenkeeper’s shed. When he gets up to his ball he realises the only option is to chip out sideways and try and settle for no worse than a bogey 5. The wife then pipes up and states “the greenkeeper’s shed has double-doors at each end. If we open the doors you’ll have a clear shot at the green.” They open the doors and sure enough the husband has a clear shot at the flag. He takes out his 4 iron and attempts to play a low punch shot through the doors however he makes steep contact and the ball rises and hits the frame of the door and rebounds hitting the wife square on the forehead, killing her instantly.
The next year the widower is going brilliantly in the Presidents prize up to the 13th hole when he badly pulls his drive left behind the greenkeeper’s shed. Looking at his lie he realizes to himself that he has no other option but to take his medicine and chip out sideways and try and make a bogey 5. He pulls a club and addresses his ball when his playing partner Johnny points out that “the greenkeeper’s shed has double-doors at each end. If we were to open the doors you would have a clear shot at the green.” The widower looks at Johnny in disgust and says “did you not hear what happened in this very spot last year? I tried that shot and ended up taking a f@cking 7.”
Simon Montgomery: Paula Creamer’s Boob Pic
Stefan Reid: You Lying Bastard
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
Andy Hayne: Fairway!
My mate took his girlfriend to the doctor's because she had a golf ball stuck up her ass.
The doc said "f**k me, that's up a fairway!"
Simon Wakefield and Matt Nixon
Winner Ben Dillon: Scratch Man
A scratch handicap man steps up onto the first tee, a short straight par 4. He hits a perfect shot straight down to about 100 yards to the pin. The man gets up to his ball whilst two others are waiting back on the tee admiring the scratch golfers swing. He lines up his shot and hits it straight into the water. The two golfers on the tee look perplexed as to how he hit such a poor shot. Anyway the golfer gets down to the drop zone, takes one practice swing and puts his pitch to a foot of the pin. The two others have now reached their balls on the fairway and see this magnificent shot. The scratch golfer gets up to the green and missed the simplest of puts. The two behind just can't understand why he's hitting such bad shots. This continues for the next 17 holes. Confused, the two men go up the scratch golfer and ask him what it was all about. His reply was, the mixed foursomes is on next week, I thought I'd get out to practice.
Pat Brennan: Naked Man Joke
Pat Brennan, this is super. You're in the hat!
3 ladies are playing the 4th hole when a naked man wearing a bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The 3 ladies look and are in shock at the size of his Manhood. The first lady says well he definitely is not my Husband. The second lady looks at his manhood and says yes sure is not my Husband. The third lady takes a good look and Says. " He's not even a member of this club"
Tom Kennedy: Golf Drinking Game
Declan O’Neill: The Comb
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. Whilst walking around the course the Englishman's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling, " she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Englishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a tenner, go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers.
Two holes further on the Irishman's wife caught her foot on a mole hill, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her lack of nether garments. "Well darling," she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."
With that the Irishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a fiver go to Dunnes and get some knickers."
Three holes further on the Scotsman's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she too wasn't wearing any knickers! The Scotsman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her inadequacy in the modesty department. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."
With that the Scotsman thrust his hand into his pocket and said "Here's a comb, at least you can tidy yourself up a bit!"
Niall Carroll: Closest To The Pin
So we played in a golf classic last year. Closet to the pin was on number 7, a 207 meter par 3. A lady wins for hitting it to 2'5". Everyone astounded as she collects her prize she is asked what club did she hit? Her reply 'driver and a 7 iron!!!!'
Runner Up: Stephen Donnelly “Mighty Swing” Video
James Orchin: 8 Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex
You don't have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.
If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique
The Ten Commandments do not say anything about golf.
If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet, then you become famous
Your golf partner won't keep asking questions about other partners you've golfed with
It's perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger
When you see a really good golfer, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.
If your regular golf partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you golf with someone else.
Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.
When dealing with a golf pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighbourhood to buy golf stuff.
You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite co-workers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment
There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease
If you want to watch golf on television, you don't have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.
Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.
Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.
You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.
Your golf partner will never say, "What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?"
Brendan O’Leary: Censored!
Richard Bruce: The Dead Wife and The Provisional
A married couple played golf together everyday.
One day the man and his wife were on the first tee of their local course. He was on the white tee and she was waiting in front of him by the ladies tee.
He teed off and caught the ball perfectly; unfortunately it hit his wife smack in the back of the head killing her instantly.
She fell face down on the tee, didn't know what hit her.
They had an inquest on the wife's death, the coroner said it was clear how she died, she was killed by a golf ball, and that there was a perfect imprint of a golf ball on the back of her head.
The husband said, "Yes, that was my ball"
The coroner then went on to say that he was a bit concerned to find a ball inserted up the woman's backside, and could the husband throw some light on this?
The husband said, "Oh that must have been my provisional. I wondered where it went."
Johnnie Prenter: Irish Recession Golf
Paul Quinn: What If I Die Wife?
So a husband and wife are standing on the first tee..just as he was about to swing she asks "honey if I died would you remarry?" without stopping the man cracks a 300 yard drive down the middle turns to her and says "I am not sure".they walk on to the second shot again as he is about to start his swing she asks "if I died and you did remarry would you play golf with her?" again the man flushes his second 3 feet to the pin turns around and says "I am not sure". when on the green the woman asks "if I died and you did remarry, and you did play golf, would you play here at our club?" the man strokes his putt it lips out for birdie he turns and says "I am not sure". as he walks up to his tap in par she asks "if I died and you remarried and you played golf here, would you let her use my clubs?" at this point the man annoyed turns to her and says "no honey she is left handed."
David Tynan: Slow Play
It seems that four very low-handicapped players were playing their normal course. Unusually, the play was very slow and the players began to get frustrated. By the tenth hole, they began firing their tee shots at the foursome ahead of them, who were constantly in the woods and were the root cause of the slow play.
Finally, the good foursome finished their round, coming in just under eight hours. After spotting the slow group in the clubhouse, they went right after them, swearing their asses off. The club pro saw this spectacle and pulled aside the guys. He said: "Didn't you know that the foursome ahead of you are all blind; they're taking part in a special event."
After hearing this, the foursome immediately reconsidered. The first one said, "Just to show how sorry I am, I'll pay for their green fees." The second replied, "And I'll pay for their carts." Predictably, the third member said, "Whatever food and drinks they want, I'll pay for them." The club pro considered their acts very gracious and, turning to the fourth member, said: "And what are you going to do for them?"
The golfer, still noticeably upset, retorted, "To hell with them, they could have played last night!"
Simon Kennedy: 6 Inch Putt
An elderly couple are playing together in the annual golf club championship.
The game has ended up in a play off hole, and everytrhing rides on a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make.
Aware of how critical the this final putt is, she takes her stance, and her husband can see her trembling.
Well the wife putts, the ball sails clear past the hole, and the couple lose the match.
On the way home in the car, it's obvious from the atmosphere that her husband is not happy, in fact he is fuming,
"I cannot believe that you missed that simple putt!" he said to his wife. "That putt was no longer than my dick."
The wife just looked over at her husband, smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"
Timmy Kenna: LOFT
Three golfers were playing in a pro am with the club professional and they thought it was a good chance to get some tips. Walking down the first fairway one of the lads walks up to the pro and says "I always slice my drives, what am I doing wrong?" To which the pro replies, "loft." A couple of holes later the second lad in the group approaches the pro and says "I always hook my drives, why's that?" Again the pro says, "loft." The third amateur in the group asks his two friends what they said to the pro to which they replied, "we told him that one of us slices our drives and one of us hooks our drives and we asked him for some advice. He told us both it was loft." The third man thinks this is strange and goes up to tell the pro he can't chip for peanuts and amazingly he replies loft. Perplexed they finish their round and on the 18th green they say to the pro that they each told him they had a different problem and he told them all, loft. "Yes!" says the pro, "LOFT, Lack of F*****G Talent."
David Hamill: Comparing Sons
F
our men played a round of golf one day.Three of them headed off to the first tee, while the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.The three men started talking, and as men so often do, began bragging about their sons.The first man told the others, "my son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded too."The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio."The fourth man joined them on the tee a few minutes later, having taken care of the bill.The first man mentioned to him, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay, and dances in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about this, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes and a stock portfolio.
Ian William Halliwell: Snead
Brian Carney: The Bum
A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I 'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf."
Shay Dempsey: The Trophy
Brendan Breen: Vintage Golf
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