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Finding himself just three shots off the lead at the Quicken Loans National after 36 holes Tiger Woods has come out fighting and vowed not to shit himself on 'moving day' Saturday.

In a statement on his website TigerWoods.com Woods said "My patterns this week are good and I haven't shit myself over a drive or filled my pants on a short shot yet.  I'm looking forward to a weekend of solid golf and cruising into contention just like old times and not snap hooking the driver, duffing irons, flubbing wedges, boning chips six foot off the ground through the green or any mental stuff like that."

Woods also took the opportunity to deny rumours of a split between himself and coach Chris Como.

"Chris just isn't here this week and any speculation that the reason I'm not shitting myself is because he's not on with range lining me up the completely wrong way and confusing the crap out of me is purely false," Woods said.

The third round of the Quicken Loans National takes place later.


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Supervisors at the creche Donald Trump is attending while at the Women's British Open were said to be so happy with his behaviour yesterday that they were putting a gold star on his chart.

The news comes after the manager of Turnberry Toddlers, Ms Lisa Dumfry, had earlier in the week reported some disappointing behaviour by Donald towards other kids in the playroom.

"Yes we had a few little incidents where Donald was maybe frightening the other boys and girls by maybe telling them he would have his little finger on the red button in a few years time and would maybe be sending them all up in a mushroom cloud if they didn't give him their toys but that's all stopped now," Ms Dumfry said in a teachery tone though she's not qualified to be one.  "Yesterday and today he was a great boy altogether and there were no tears from any of the others. He didn't wet his nappy or anything."

Ms Dumfry is due to meet with her supervision team later today to discuss if the turnaround in young Donald's manner will merit him being allowed to ring the bell at lunchtime on Sunday; the pinnacle of achievement for any child attending a creche.

In related news the Turnberry Toddlers was yesterday granted $50,000,000 by an anonymous donor to fix up the playground and purchase better quality spaghetti.

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Results of a new report released today by the World Health Body show beyond doubt that consuming copious amounts of drugs and regularly using the services of high class hookers are the keys to winning many golfing Majors.

Chief scientist behind the research Professor Heinz Von Siggurdsson said "Since high class hookers and various forms of performance enhancing drugs came into existence in the mid nineteen nineties it has been proven beyond doubt to be the key to being successful at all sport, most especially golf."

Page 72 of the 158 page report also recommends that if Rory McIlroy or Jordan Spieth are to have any designs on catching the record of 18 Major wins they need to get cracking on a life of "hardcore promiscuity" whilst engaging in a "shit-load of drug usage".

"Our studies have shown that a guy might win three or maybe four Majors whilst contracted to one sexual partner and without help from a shady Italian doctor," continued Von Siggurdsson. "But to win more than 10 for instance, you pretty much need to be in  a hotel room straddled by at least three top quality hookers minimum five nights a week, with an EPO drip hanging over your head from a picture hook, whilst your blood platelets spin in a blender beside you. It's that simple." 

The report concludes by saying having a wife, kids and a top manager would also be handy.

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I know the climate for the Women's British Open in Turnberry is not exactly Floridian but Paula Creamer and Michelle Wie showed up for the first round dressed in gear that the people of the Antarctic would be proud of!

Word is that thousands of Eskimo women were seen on ski-doos making the treacherous 4000 mile trek to the nearest Nike and Adidas stores to get kitted out yesterday.

Related: Doc Versus Mark Howell Long Drive Contest at Tulfarris

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In case you missed this on Inside The PGA Tour the other day, David Lingmerth and his wife Megan went skydiving in Florida.

I had never actually heard Lingmerth talking and was expecting a distinctive Swedish accent.  Instead he sounds like a born and bred American except maybe for pronouncing the odd word like "Amasssing" which gives it all away!

Related: Doc Versus Mark Howell Long Drive Contest at Tulfarris

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Rickie Fowler and Ryo Ishikawa both made holes in one in the first round of the Quicken Loans yesterday.

A total of 17 players shot 5 under or better on a soft and windless Robert Trent Jones Golf Club.

Related: Doc Versus Mark Howell Long Drive Contest at Tulfarris

Rickie's ace came at the 200 yard par-4 ninth hole.



And here's Ryo's at the 178 yard fourth hole.



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