Best Practiser Award

And the winner is Vijay Singh for the 21st year in a row. As this exclusive snap clearly shows, Vijay never stops practising even when he’s on the loo. So that’s why he craps himself over short putts!

Sexiest Player Award

Sometimes it’s difficult to tell if it’s Camillo or Camilla but the eyebrows (i.e. the two caterpillars under his hat) are a dead giveaway. This was a tight category with Camillo narrowly beating beautiful Boo Weekley, stunning Stephen Dodd and hunky newcomer Hunter Mahan to claim victory.

Highlight of The Year Award

The day the Rocco met the immoveable object at Torrey Pines. It’s now officially true; Tiger can beat any one of his fellow pros with one hand tied behind his back or in his case, one broken leg and a ripped out cruciate ligament. Woods’ win is the golfing equivalent of Nadal winning Wimbledon with no strings in his racket.

The Duffy Waldorf Best Dressed Player Award
And the winner is Peter Gustaffson. I’m sure you will agree Peter cuts an iconic dash as he sports the latest couture in the new Woody Austin “Wood-rot” golfwear collection.

Player Of The Year Award

Goes to John Daly. His impressively choreographed ejection off the tour, his Budweiser can tee-shot, his topless interview and drunken hooters escapades easily sealed victory. Even Butch Harmon dumped Daly which has to be the biggest kick in the groin of them all.

The Best Prepared For Life On Tour Award
With all that’s going on with the credit crunch and ever deepening recession, it’s good to see that Ireland’s tour rookie Johnny Caldwell is preparing in the most economical way possible for life on the road. Johnny is a bit of a MacGyver and pimped up this “Caldwell Cart” in just a few hours. As Paul Young so aptly put it “Wherever I lay my golf hat, that’s my home.”

The “Wish the ground would open up and swallow me” Award

He dumped Monty and Darren, gave away his pairings and went AWOL for the post-mortem. And now he wants to be captain again? Here, Nick Faldo is seen praying on a hill on Ryder Cup Saturday in Valhalla. Just out of shot, running up towards him, are a ripping mad Lee Westwood and Sergio Garcia, wondering why they have been dropped from the afternoon matches. Also shown is Darren Clarke’s reaction to the news that he didn’t make the team.

The Best Use of Water In Victory Award

With nothing to choose between them, this award has to be shared between Pablo Larrazabal and Richard Finch. Young sensation and notorious miser Larrazabal is shown diving into the water to retrieve his Pro-V1 after mindlessly throwing it away in victory. And we all know about fishing fanatic Finch’s attempt to club a trout with his wedge in Adare. Surely he could have waited until after the tournament.

The “Everything I Touch Turns To Mush Award”

Despite earlier suggestions that Lehmann Brothers, Fannie Mae & Freddy Mac, Bush foreign policy, reckless trading and soaring oil prices were the causative factors of the US and now global recession, it has now been proven beyond doubt that it all went wrong the day big Phil rung the trading bell. It’s still not the low point of Phil’s life. That would be the day Philip “the sniffer” Price kicked his ass around The Belfry.