Sky Sports Denis Pugh Missing Feared Kidnapped By BBC

England (somewhere)—
Cuddly grandad and Sky Sports golf analyst Denis Pugh, 73, is this morning missing feared kidnapped by the BBC.  It is believed Pugh was yesterday lured to a secret location by Cbeebies executives under the guise of auditioning him for the role of Zippy in the all new version of the children’s cult classic show ‘Rainbow’ due out later this year.

Quick thinking Pugh managed to snap a picture of his would-be abductors, who were posing as sinister BBC cameraman, and posted it to Twitter seconds before all communication was cut off.  His twin boys Francesco and Eduardo are said to be distraught and being comforted by Mama’s pasta whilst awaiting news. 
Members of Pugh’s local golf club The Wirral have held a candle lit vigil between the jacuzzi and the snooker table, just a bit over from the dancing pole. “The thought of our club without Denis, and members actually having to pay for lessons doesn’t bear thinking about”, the Club Captain said today.
Scotland Yard have drafted in retired former SAS Colonel Bruce Critchley, 106, to head up the case.  Sources say a phone call was received today from the kidnappers outlining their demands.



“If you ever want to see Denis Pugh again, you'll do exactly as we say,” the BBC kidnappers said from their secret hiding place, believed to be near Shepherd’s Bush in London.  “We want that machine that you use in the Sky studio to hit the golf ball off the screen and show where it goes with the white line thing.  And the net. And the patch of grass.  And Sarah Stirk.  And we want you to show us how to use it.  For every hour we are waiting we will pluck one hair from the nostril of Denis Pugh.”
“We are willing to give you Wayne Grady in return” the BBC kidnappers continued, “And the Scottish guy and the guy who sits across from us who does the rules. And our crappy golf buggy with the canopy.  What do you think?  Please…..with a cherry on top”.
In the past few minutes Sky have held a press conference and made a public appeal for information on the kidnapping.  They issued this statement to the kidnappers.
“Sky Sports does not negotiate with terrorists or kidnappers.  However if you might consider taking Simon Holmes, John Hawksworth and Mark Roe as a job lot in exchange for the safe return of Denis Pugh and all his nostril hair, we might just have a deal”.
More as it emerges.

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