Child psychologists are this evening probing a revolutionary new treatment in alleviating childhood crying fits pioneered by golfing legend  Arnold Palmer.  The octogenarian performed the technique on Annika Sorenstam’s whinging baby son William live on US television today leaving viewers stunned and intrigued.

Snapshot 1 (24-03-2012 21-21)One year old William was appearing with his parents on the broadcast to publicly thank Palmer for saving him as an infant from Angelina Jolie, who was trying to adopt him and add to her collection of 17 children.

“Everything went really well in rehearsals” said Golf Channel producer Todd Backstop “but we never took into account the sinister effect Johnny Miller has on small children.  He scares the living crap out of them.”

Snapshot 2 (24-03-2012 21-22)The television audience were left open mouthed seconds later as magical Grandad Palmer turned little William’s crocodile tears into smiles by waggling his wrists and presenting the baby with an exemption into his tournament in 20 years time.  “That’s the best present ever”  Sorenstam said after “ William can now look forward to a potential $40 million payday if he wins the event, taking into account inflation and Bloomberg’s 20 year forecast on the strength of the dollar in 2032.  It’s really great having that peace of mind that our baby’s welfare is secured.  He starts practicing in five years and  four months time”.

jo-frostPalmer is now due to appear alongside “you know it’s wrong but you definitely would anyway” Jo Frost in the next episode of Supernanny.  The pair are set to go head to head with rabid six year old twins who can turn their heads 360 degrees and speak fluent Latin without ever having been taught it. It’s rumoured that Palmer will attempt to exorcize the children’s demons by offering the pair a club and clothing contract and three PGA Tour exemptions in 2025.

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Donal Hughes

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