Billy Payne, Lord Protector and supreme chancellor of Augusta National is today enjoying a threesome, I mean three-ball, I mean two-ball with Augusta’s newest members Condaleeza Rice and Darla Moore.  “It’s great to finally hit back at Augusta knockers, by getting our own Augusta knockers”, said Payne.

“Besides, there is loads to be done around here.  That carpet in the Champions Locker room needs to be scrubbed thoroughly, and those windows in the Butler Cabin are covered in pigeon shit. And that’s before even getting on to all those Green Jackets that need ironing.  Everyone knows men are useless at figuring out the right setting on the iron and deciphering those stupid triangley symbols on the label.”

Asked by a reporter how did they go about choosing the first two lady members, Payne remarked “We simply put a classified ad in the Augusta Chronicle stating that we were well built with a full head of hair and liked nothing more than enjoying long walks, watching sunsets and admitting to crying at Bette Milder’s performance in Beaches”.

And apparently it wont end there as Payne went on to hint at the possibility of more women members in the future. 

"In order to get more women to be members here at Augusta we need more manpower”, said Payne adding “I’ve put in place a five man team to look into it with former Chairman Hootie Johnson at the helm.  You wont find Hootie timidly pussy footing around the subject, he and his men have the balls needed to bring some quality females in here.  And we wont have to worry about those guys taking maternity leave either. This job wont take two years to get done!”, he chuckled.

 

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Donal Hughes

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