World number one Rory McIlroy is to spend the weekend in a fiery chamber with poisonous snakes after failing to make the cut at the Irish Open.

While Nike officials admit a public whipping with a lash for every stroke outside the cut McIlroy finished was their preferred punishment, they chose the lesser option after deeming it too difficult to organize on short notice.

Instead McIlroy will be dropped into a pit of 151 highly venomous vipers, death adders and rattlesnakes, one for every stroke he took at Royal County Down over the first two days.

“It's an absolute disgrace with all the money he's on that he couldn't make a simple cut at a course he knows well,” explained 20 handicapper Paul Duff, whose mates rang up earlier to say they weren't going to bother making the trip up from Cork now that Rory's not there and were going on a massive bender down home instead. "I've the friggin' hotel booked, the tickets paid for and the wife left after me and now what'll I do all weekend?" Duff asked with a look of resignation. 

Nike Inc. assured its customers this evening that it wasn't their clubs that were at fault but that "McIlroy was just completely shite" this week.

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