Russian president Vladimir Putin showed up at the United Nations on Monday for the first time in a decade, declaring that the only man he really feared on Earth is Darren Clarke.

"As you can imagine, I'm fairly pally with a bunch of lads who look menacing and can fly off the handle at the littlest thing," Putin told a packed UN Chamber. "But that guy Darren Clarke is the best I've ever seen.  He could turn milk in red cheddar cheese with that stare.  I'd love to get him to take over the KGB, he'd be perfect.

The speech was met with widespread applause, except from Barack Obama, who used his speech to maintain that Davis Love is scarier.

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