The European Tour as always have reacted quickly and decisively to combat the very real threat of the cranial annihilation of their Tour Marshals posed by the new breed of monster hitters by today unveiling a new range of protective headwear.
Manufactured completely from 100% recycled materials the range of fashionable headwear are to be worn by stewards and referees from next week at all European Tour events. The range was successfully trialled in Dubai recently by the marshals following the group including number one Tour dangerman Alvaro Quiros.
Quiros is reported to have commented on the marshals who specifically targeted his group saying “Those pushy marshalling bastards with their bulbous bellies and timeshare properties and shag all to do all day long can wear what they damn well want on their heads. But by God if any of them get in the way of one of my drives, they’ll need a whole lot more than a strap-on baguette or seven up bottle to save them.”
Speaking in his sleep Tour boss George “Rosie” O’Grady hit back at Quiros saying “Alvaro is young and handsome and has more locks than the Bank Of England. He may be powerful now but when his hips start to grind and his back pops out in a year or two, he’ll be just like the rest of us.”
O’Grady added “We are proud of our new protective headwear. The safety of the miserable timeshare owners who work as Marshals is paramount to The Tour. We have carried out extensive testing in Cairo and Bahrain recently, not at Tour events, but in street clashes where the products were really put through their paces and they have performed very well.”
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