Anonymous sources inside the PGA Tour confirmed yesterday that Nike’s grand plan of getting Tiger Woods back to the top of the world rankings is “working nicely” after signing Rory McIlroy and giving him wonky clubs.

blaneHead of Nike, Tom Nike himself took on the project codenamed ‘Tiger One’ six months ago along with a team of street magicians and an acrobat.  Sources say the street magicians job was to convince McIlroy he would be better off leaving his perfectly good Titleist equipment for Nike while the acrobat jumped through hoops to seal the deal.

“Rory’s new clubs are clearly arseways,” top clubmaker Tom Wishbone said yesterday “the shafts are bent like bananas and the numbers on the irons are all mixed up.  Isn’t is obvious?  Otherwise he would be out there kicking everyone’s ass as usual.” 

“They gave him a driver called a ‘Covert’ for Christ sakes,” continued Wishbone. “Covert operation? Are you guys stupid? Cant you see?”

Responding to allegations he was involved in the project, David Blane, who is currently attempting to set a world record by staying suspended from the Eiffel Tower for 30 days  in a block of ice, suspended by his tongue told reporters “Muh muh muh muh muh.”

More as it emerges.

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Donal Hughes

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