Vladimir Putin was reportedly "outraged" this morning as he summoned his party comrades and the head of the KGB to an emergency session after Lee Slattery won the Russian Open.

The Englishman arrived for his final round in a stolen Russian army tank just seconds before potential disqualification.

The Russian President wanted answers after Slattery apparently dodged a knife throwing circus clown, defused a nuclear bomb, ran a platoon of Russian soldiers off the road using a cleverly timed oil slick and killed the legendary blonde seven foot henchman Igor Romanov in one on one combat by puncturing a pressurized gas line with his free hand just at the point of being choked to death on his way to the course.
"We wish Comrade Slattery a safe and happy life," Putin said today as he waved up six beaten E class Mercedes and two lads on motorbikes with sidecars to follow him to the airport.

More as it emerges

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