Following on from their damning report on distance increases damaging the game of golf and the strict new rules to curb equipment advances in the modern game the R&A and USGA have issued a new rule stating that all Tour pros must wear heavy tweed jackets and a pocket watch on a chain when playing PGA and European Tour events, effective immediately.

Players at the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro Am were yesterday testing various versions of tweed hastily produced by Nike, Adidas and Footjoy.

The R&A also obtained an order allowing them to exhume the body of Old Tom Morris for the purpose of using DNA analysis to find out how golf was played with shitty old clubs.

"We've looked up YouTube, Vimeo, PornHub, the dark web, basically pretty much everywhere to see could we find any videos of how Old Tom used to hit the ball with the kind of crap equipment we need to get back to to control distance," Martin Slumbers, head of the R&A, told a packed press conference yesterday. "We want to educate players on how to play with the new hickory clubs that we will be bringing back in 2021 but since Tom Morris won his last Open in 1867 there's fuck all footage out there."

More as it emerges.

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