Beware The Timesheet Lurkers!

Here’s a piece I did for Golfing Magazine. It’s a sweet little publication with a swish online version on http://www.golfing.ie/ . Well wor...

Here’s a piece I did for Golfing Magazine. It’s a sweet little publication with a swish online version on http://www.golfing.ie/. Well worth checking out.
Golfers of the world, heads up, this is important. A deadly new gang is spreading like a virus through golf courses throughout the globe, wreaking havoc wherever they show up. They have already claimed the lives of two retired golfers in Australia (although some say they were on their way on out anyway) and are suspected of causing a golf pond drowning in the West Of Ireland late last year. They target three men on a Schmidt, Justine MIss Piggy fourball line and strike when least expected, in some cases just 30 minutes before tee off. They are known by the name “Timesheet Lurkers” often abbreviated to simply “Lurkers” or known in some parts of Western Europe as “Hayseeds”. You need to know how to recognize them if you are to have any chance of defending yourself against them. These guys are so dangerous they make swine flu look like Miss Piggy in a bikini.
To lurk is to move stealthily or be concealed, especially for evil purposes and these guys tick all the boxes. Timesheet lurkers are a secret society, who like to add each other to their professional profile on linkedin, but have never ever actually meet. Said to have spawned with the advent of online tee-time booking in late 2004, the members have no real friends but trawl the timesheets of the world seeking the holy grail of a single free spot to join a threeball and reign down their havoc.
Lurker’s method of operation is crude yet devilishly effective. They never put their name down on the timesheet on a Monday, for this could blow their cover, preferring to stealthily watch the names building up before pouncing just before tee time. It leaves their prey stunned and unable to escape at short notice. To the timesheet lurker, playing golf with three unwitting strangers, is like an Ebay auction. Timing is crucial and they are the highest bidder.

The Freemasons of the golf world, the Secret Society of Timesheet Lurkers even have there own golfing dress code. You need to watch out for it! They always wear either jeans or grey Fara slacks, which must be tucked into their socks. Their standard missues shoes must be made out of wellington rubber and have an annoying frilly flap. They wear dress shirts, the kind you or I might wear to a wedding, sleeves fully extended and buttoned. Hair is generally worn in a mullet style configuration, but be careful, there are bald members of the society too.
If you are still unsure whether you are being approached by a genuine Timesheet Lurker, there are a few other society codes to watch for. One tell tale sign is their handicap. It is always 26, “two” is the number of ball retrievers they carry and “six” stands for the number of pink ribboned Lady Pinnacles which must be in the bag prior to play. The dastardly handicap of 26 is also a source of pride to them, it means they’ve played at least 80 times without breaking standard scratch and are in no way discouraged by this.
The most obvious method however to recognize a Timesheet Lurker is during play. The society strictly bans the use of headcovers on woods and cleaning clubs is frowned upon, though not completely prohibited. Their code categorically states that a seven iron must be used on the first tee, irrespective of the length of the hole.
Back in 2005, the whole Society of Timesheet Lurkers was rocked by a leaked document which outlined the code of practice each member must abide by. Perhaps the most shocking section of the code referred to the “putting retrieval drill” all members must perfect before being accepted as master Lurkers. They must practice this technique for weeks at a time before bringing it to competition. The best Lurkers can practically induce a violent reaction in their playing partners on performance of what the call “The Mighty Trick”. This “trick”, is performed on the green when a Lurker needs to take his ball out of the hole. Since it’s forbidden for a member to use his hand, the “trick” involves putting the head of the putter precisely into the hole before executing a perfectly timed yank to extract putter, ball and a chunk of the ground from the hole. The “trick” often involves a satisfied grin and the exclamation “That’s a mighty trick!” by the Lurker on successful execution.
If you or your partners do happen upon a Lurker it’s important not to make eye contact or conversation of any kind. He will, given an opportunity, attempt to befriend you and on doing so the chances of being joined by that same Lurker the following week are 800 times greater. Those encountering Lurkers are asked to report the incident immediately to www.igotstuckwithalurker.com and the advice is to never accept a connection with a dubious profile on LinkedIn!

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GolfCentralDaily | Golf Parody Fun Gossip Jokes Betting Tips: Beware The Timesheet Lurkers!
Beware The Timesheet Lurkers!
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