Results of a new report released today by the World Health Body show beyond doubt that consuming copious amounts of drugs and regularly using the services of high class hookers are the keys to winning many golfing Majors.

Chief scientist behind the research Professor Heinz Von Siggurdsson said "Since high class hookers and various forms of performance enhancing drugs came into existence in the mid nineteen nineties it has been proven beyond doubt to be the key to being successful at all sport, most especially golf."

Page 72 of the 158 page report also recommends that if Rory McIlroy or Jordan Spieth are to have any designs on catching the record of 18 Major wins they need to get cracking on a life of "hardcore promiscuity" whilst engaging in a "shit-load of drug usage".

"Our studies have shown that a guy might win three or maybe four Majors whilst contracted to one sexual partner and without help from a shady Italian doctor," continued Von Siggurdsson. "But to win more than 10 for instance, you pretty much need to be in  a hotel room straddled by at least three top quality hookers minimum five nights a week, with an EPO drip hanging over your head from a picture hook, whilst your blood platelets spin in a blender beside you. It's that simple." 

The report concludes by saying having a wife, kids and a top manager would also be handy.

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