Speaking at a virtual press conference ahead of The Travelers Championship, a somewhat under the weather looking PGA Tour commissioner gave an update regarding the rapid spreading of the Coronavirus on Tour.



"Right lads listen up.  Everything is glorious on the PGA Tour.  There's no Coronavirus infidels here.....never.  Okay okay Cameron Champ and Nick Watney tested positive, but in all fairness lads, those two lads wouldn't exactly be top of the leaderboard material if you know what I mean.  If you want to go ahead and say they really don't count those are your words not mine.

But so far....no really good player, no real star, no top guy that actually matters, like Rory or Dustin or Bryson have got it.  Yeah I know Brooks is gone home, but he never does what we goddam tell him to anyway.  Webb Simpson, he's gone home too, but hey that's because someone in his family got it, so nothing to do with us.  That one wasn't on us. Probably got it from some Chinese maid at their house. Damn Chinese bat eating bastards, it's all their fault.

Now there are a few caddies that have tested positive, and it's not because we treat them like shit and keep them in cattle pens.  They choose to live in cattle pens. And they are replaceable.  Anyone can carry a bag.

Ah sure it'll be grand as long as one of the really good lads like Rory doesn't get it.  Then we are fucked. And will be shutting down. And I'll be out of a job. Until then we plough on and act happy"



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