Following a raft of criticism on social media over Bryson DeChambeau's slow play at the Northern Trust, the PGA Tour have taken swift and decisive action by bringing the old boy to the vet to have him put down.

"It's with a heavy heart that we've decided the best thing to do with Bryson now is just to put him out of his misery," PGA Tour boss Jay Monahan told reporters. "He's been a great servant, always looking at you with those big sad eyes, always trying to to lick you in the morning, but it's painful to watch him moving so slowly now and we've decided the best thing for him and for everyone who cares about him is to end his suffering. Let's face it, he soon wouldn't be able to get around the golf course at all, he'd be dribbling and pissing his pants and his quality of life would be out the window."

The move was greeted with universal approval by DeChambeau's fellow players who vowed to pay tribute to him by holding two minutes 20 seconds of silence over every putt.

More as it emerges.

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